SYNOPSIS

Kiki (played by both male and female performers depending on the cast) appears as a guest on a talk show hosted by five hosts. He introduces himself as an attention seeker and says that he has borderline personality disorder. He has heard that the hosts will reenact stories from his past by playing different characters, and they enthusiastically begin acting them out. The five hosts play every other character in the musical. Kiki describes borderline personality disorder as a state in which the skin of the mind has been stripped away, making even the smallest stimulus feel intense. He also explains that the term “borderline” was originally used because doctors believed the condition existed on the border between neurosis and psychosis.

Kiki has repeatedly fallen in and out of relationships and is living in a house with his girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend. One day, his girlfriend says that she is going on a business trip with her ex. Kiki begins imagining why the two of them would travel together, and his suspicions quickly spiral out of control. In his mind, the story expands until he is convinced that they may get back together. Unable to control his anger, he tells his girlfriend that they should break up, and she calmly agrees. Kiki immediately regrets it. He asks whether she has eaten and tries to continue the conversation, but his anger rises again and he leaves the house. He later considers apologizing and going back, and eventually calls her. She tells him not to call again.

Kiki’s father believes that giving his son a frightening diagnosis such as borderline personality disorder will not help him. He thinks Kiki can overcome his problems if he simply tries hard enough. Kiki, meanwhile, fears being alone more than anything and repeatedly turns to suicide attempts, self-harm, and drugs.

On his first day working in sales, Kiki enters a code incorrectly and is reprimanded by his supervisor. When he makes the same mistake again, he runs out of the workplace on his first day. He has never managed to stay at a job for more than a week.

Whenever he is alone and overwhelmed by fear, he repeatedly admits himself to psychiatric hospitals. None of the doctors he meets seem able to help him, and at times he turns to easy ways of escaping, including drugs. After his final attempt at self-harm, however, he is hospitalized and meets a doctor named Ethan. Ethan begins treating him with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Kiki first practices Mindfulness, learning to focus on his emotions and observe his own mind more objectively. He also learns Distress Tolerance. When he is swept up in intense emotions and feels tempted to choose an extreme solution, he practices enduring the moment by holding ice in his hand.

With Ethan’s help, Kiki also finds a job. His tasks are simple, such as cutting paper to the correct size to make butterfly shapes and bringing coffee to his supervisor. For some reason, however, his coworkers keep telling him that he is doing a good job. One day, he cuts the paper to the wrong size and is given additional work just as he is supposed to leave. He immediately thinks about running away again. Ethan tells him to simply say that he cannot do the extra work at that moment, but Kiki worries that people will dislike him. When he finally says that he has plans after work and cannot stay, his coworker simply tells him to do it the next day. Kiki also tells another coworker that he cut the paper incorrectly. The coworker sympathizes with him, saying that the cutter sometimes malfunctions and has caused the same problem before.

Kiki installs the dating app Tinder and starts looking for a partner. Whenever he tells someone that he has borderline personality disorder, however, the other person leaves. One day, he meets Bennett. They get along, and Bennett invites him to his home. The place is messy and smells of cat urine, but Bennett is not bothered when Kiki tells him about his diagnosis and accepts him as he is.

Excited, Kiki tells Ethan about Bennett. Ethan gives him an assignment: he is not to have sex for one month. The point is to keep him from rushing too quickly into the relationship. It is difficult for both Kiki and Bennett, but after a month they still feel that they love each other, and the relationship continues.

Later, however, Kiki finds another woman’s clothes in Bennett’s home and questions him so aggressively that Bennett leaves. Kiki feels that he has returned to his old unstable self and begins thinking about a razor blade. Instead, he calls Ethan. Ethan tells him to hold ice in his hand and reminds him that he has learned to pause and think one step further than he once could. He tells Kiki to list only the facts of what actually happened and to call again if it is still too difficult.

Kiki remembers his childhood, when his younger sibling, who has since died, was still alive. A babysitter who was taking care of them sexually assaulted Kiki under a blanket while he was watching television. When his father returned home and the abuse stopped, Kiki was too frightened to say anything and pretended to be asleep.

Kiki later learns Emotion Regulation from Ethan, based on the principle that “there are no wrong emotions.” After completing the treatment process, he is unexpectedly disappointed that he no longer has anyone to talk to. He searches for a support group and attends a meeting. Most of the participants are parents of people with borderline personality disorder. They ask Kiki what he wants from other people. Kiki says that he wants them to acknowledge the validity of patients’ behavior and to recognize their pain. The group accepts what he says.

Kiki begins to miss his father. When they meet, his father says that Kiki has become much better than before and insists that he can recover if he keeps trying. He also worries that people nearby might hear the words “borderline personality disorder.” Kiki becomes angry. He tells his father that his condition is not something that can be completely cured through willpower, but requires an accurate diagnosis and continued treatment. Medically, however, borderline personality disorder can improve substantially with long-term treatment, and many patients can achieve long-term remission and recover social functioning.

Although his father still cannot accept psychiatric illness, he agrees to attend therapy with his son. Once therapy begins, however, the two repeatedly spend the sessions talking only about themselves. At times, the sessions turn into rap battles. When the father delivers a somewhat dragging rap, the therapist tells him, “Sir, at least stay on the beat.” The father explains that life was difficult, that he had to make money, and that he himself had no one to depend on. Kiki says that he understands, but his condition cannot be resolved through willpower alone and requires an accurate diagnosis and continuing treatment. He also says that his father kept avoiding the problem, including by going away on trips. His father admits that he avoided it because he could not bear it. The therapist firmly tells him that his avoidance did not help.

For the first time, Kiki’s father says the words “borderline personality disorder” himself and apologizes to his son. Kiki suggests that, just for one day, they try his father’s method of avoidance. They should stop talking about the illness, go out for Thai food, and watch a movie. His father suggests going to a club and having another rap battle as well. Kiki replies, “Dad, at least stay on the beat.” They look at each other and laugh.

The musical returns to the talk show. Now calm, Kiki says that he has been with Bennett for five years and has also stayed at the same job for five years. The show ends.


REVIEW

As someone who is not a medical specialist, I feel cautious about writing a review of a musical dealing with a personality disorder. I may unknowingly write something that should not be said. At the same time, I also think psychiatric illnesses should be discussed more openly, just like other illnesses, so that people who need help can receive proper diagnosis and treatment.

While watching the musical, I thought about how many people around us may not have borderline personality disorder but have received, or perhaps should be encouraged to receive, psychiatric care or psychotherapy. The lifetime prevalence of experiencing at least one depressive, anxiety, alcohol-related, or nicotine-related disorder is reportedly 27.8%. Studies outside Korea have reported the prevalence of borderline personality disorder at 2.7–5.9%, while Korean diagnostic statistics show approximately one diagnosed patient per 10,000 people, or about 0.01%.

Shin H, Lee HS, Lee BC, Park G, Uranbileg K, Park Y, Yun M, Seok JH. “The Prevalence and Clinical Characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder in South Korea Using National Health Insurance Service Customized Database.” Yonsei Medical Journal. 2023;64(9):566-572.

DOI: 10.3349/ymj.2023.0071
PMC (free full text): https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10462810/
PubMed: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37634633/

It is difficult to believe that this difference directly reflects a true difference in prevalence. Because of the stigma surrounding psychiatric illness and reluctance to seek treatment, many people may never visit a hospital or receive a diagnosis and therefore never appear in the statistics. Decades ago, the number of patients recorded in statistics might have been even smaller. If many people simply went undiagnosed rather than the condition being absent, they also lost opportunities for their symptoms to improve.

Kiki’s Borderline Personality Disorder Diary was selected for the 2024 K-Musical Market and was later presented at the Lilian Baylis Studio, part of Sadler’s Wells in London, through the K-Musical Roadshow in London program. I therefore had high expectations. While watching it, I thought that the musical could almost be used as educational material. I am not an expert, so I cannot make definitive medical claims, but I came away with the impression that accurate diagnosis and the use of validated treatments are important for improving symptoms. As Kiki says in the musical, the condition is not presented as something that can simply be “completely cured” through willpower. Medically, symptoms of borderline personality disorder can improve substantially with appropriate treatment, and long-term remission and functional recovery, including stable relationships and employment, are possible. The musical likewise does not end by declaring that Kiki’s illness has disappeared. Instead, it shows him living for five years while continuing to manage his symptoms.

Even apart from psychiatric illness, there is no human being who never gets sick. There has never been one in history. Illness exists alongside human life. We are all born, we become ill, and we die. Rejecting someone simply because they live with an illness different from mine is therefore perhaps a foolish thing to do. No one knows what my own future will bring.

The musical takes a heavy subject and develops it through a series of entertaining episodes. It controls the pace of the show without distorting facts simply for the sake of entertainment. It also shows symptoms associated with the disorder naturally and presents ways of managing them. Of course, no one should simply copy what is shown in a musical. Anyone experiencing similar problems should seek professional medical care. Still, seeing someone with similar difficulties learn how to live with them can offer comfort.

Lee Ho-won, who played Kiki, sang in a style that reminded me of idol vocals, with heavy use of breath. His acting was very good in the more intense passages, although when his emotions rose too high, the singing became somewhat broken. I particularly liked the rap battle with his father. Moon Ji-soo, who played the father, also threw in some dad jokes. He deliberately let the beat drag during his rap, which made the therapist’s line, “Sir, at least stay on the beat,” very funny. Lee Ho-won’s way of holding the microphone, his use of laid-back timing, and even his body language clearly showed the habits of a rapper.

Lee Ho-won is also an excellent dancer. Most people probably already know this, but anyone curious can simply search “Hoya Deux” on YouTube. Even the slightest movements during his acting were remarkably smooth. He seemed completely free of physical tension onstage and able to express whatever he wanted through his body. Watching the curtain call video, I noticed that even when he walked around the circular stage, the axis of his body hardly moved at all. After the curtain call, he showed a little dancing, a backflip, and some breaking. Rather than performing large movements to show off, he relaxed his body and connected a few movements smoothly, almost as if they were flowing into one another, before leaving the stage.

Kim Sayha changed her voice effectively depending on the character she was reenacting, and above all, her singing had power. Her voice burst out in a very satisfying way.

I thought Lee Chang-ha looked familiar, and then realized that I had seen him in Musical Arang. Once I remembered that, I could even recall the exact phrases he had sung in that production. He was the host who played Bennett.

Lee Ju-chan played Ethan. He also became the flamethrower that activated whenever Kiki’s emotions turned into a whirlwind.

Yoon Ji-woo likewise played several roles throughout the different episodes. Her cat was the one I remember most clearly.

The band members were also treated as hosts, such as Host P, pianist Jung Ji-yeon. They occasionally participated directly in the performance, including raising their hands during one scene. At one point, the drummer shouted, “Make some noise!”

The musical numbers were well constructed and ranged widely from melodic songs to rap.

In the end, Kiki learned how to manage his symptoms and built a circle of people on his side, including his father, his doctor Ethan, and his partner Bennett. How nice it would be if peace of mind simply came naturally. Just watching him learn, through practice, how to manage his own mind was comforting.

One line Kiki says in the musical has stayed in my head. To his ex-girlfriend, who is about to leave, he says, “If you leave, my world will end.”

No.

“My world ends when I am gone.” Everyone is the most important person in their own life.